I just read a wonderful article that I NEED very, very much. Hopefully, it'll help me be the mom I should be.

Stop Yelling

How I Stopped Yelling

by Tamara Eberlein

Hollering had practically become my normal speaking voice. I didn't like it, and my children were tuning me out. But, I found, there were lots of ways to get them to behave without it. When my twins were babies, I never yelled. Who could feel angry at tiny infants cooing in their cribs? But as they approached the terrible twos, my voice grew gradually louder. They'd make mischief; I'd say "No." They'd go right on misbehaving; I'd say "No" more vehemently. Then one day I caught them soaking huge wads of toilet paper in the toilet and flinging them against the wall. I lost it. Vocal cord volume at max, I bellowed, "Cut it out or I'll put you in the potty!" By the time my third child was born, the twins were 24 months, and just about every day included a self-bred tempest or two. Sometimes it was a matter of survival. I'd have the baby in my arms, a toddler clinging to my ankles, and another toddler running toward the road. What mother wouldn't shout? But more often it was my survival at stake: I'd be so stressed that a good scream seemed the safest way to vent steam. And, hey, sometimes it worked. Yet afterward I'd feel bad. Aren't there better ways to get kids to cooperate? I'd wonder. When a child acts childish, isn't it my job to act adultish? And, I realized, I was falling into the trap of congratulating myself for "merely screaming," as if refraining from physical abuse were anything more than the minimum standard for acceptable parenting.

But what really convinced me I needed to change was something that occurred when a friend and I were playground-bound. As Lisa was strapping her toddler twins into their car seats, her kindergartner started shoving his younger sister. Lisa admonished distractedly, "Conor, stop," but he kept right on. Gruffly I barked, "Quit it, Conor!" Whipping around, Lisa caught her son's shocked expression, then shot me a look of utter rage. I was mortified. With no conscious thought, I had yelled at someone else's child. That's how automatic my blistering responses to my own kids' wrongdoings had become. Resolving to reform, I read books, attended lectures, took part in parenting workshops, and interviewed child-rearing experts. And I learned a lot.

What's Wrong with It

For a start, it doesn't make kids behave. In fact, it often has the opposite effect. "Studies show that shouting excites youngsters," says pediatrician Nathan Blum, M.D., of the division of child development and rehabilitation at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, "so that they'll actually misbehave more." If you shout at a 3-year-old who's pummeling her brother, he explains, there's a chance yelling might make her more likely to continue hitting than if you had said nothing. "She's not being defiant; she's simply reacting in a physical way to an emotional stimulus." What's more, children begin to tune you out at lower decibels. They figure if mom means business, she'll holler - and if she doesn't, why bother listening? Worse, when kids aren't ignoring the tantrums, they're imitating them. "Yelling teaches kids that the appropriate way to communicate is to shout, and that the more a person wants her own way, the louder she should voice her demands," explains Barbara Coloroso, author of Kids Are Worth It! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline. One of the most disturbing things I learned was how damaging unbridled rage can be. "When you shout," says Coloroso, "no matter what you're saying, the underlying message is that you don't respect your child enough to speak respectfully. And that chips away at his self-esteem." Screaming also assaults a child's sense of security, says Charles E. Schaefer, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Fairleigh Dickinson University. "It's terrifying for a small child to see his parent, who is so comparatively huge and so essential to his well-being, getting wildly angry. The child fears that you are a step away from hitting him or even leaving him." I could hear that fear in the voice of my 3-year-old, who, after committing some transgression he knew might set me off, would clutch my legs and gasp "Nice mommy, nice mommy," as if by his protective mantra he could make me actually be a nice mommy instead of a screeching banshee.

Kick the Habit

You have to realize that it is a habit. And you have to find ways to short-circuit your anger before it gets out of control.

Identify your hot-temper zones

I kept a log, and within a few days the pattern was obvious. I'm most likely to go ballistic when:

Time is tight - the kids are dawdling and the school bus is due in three minutes, or we're stuck in the supermarket checkout and soccer practice has already started.

I'm trying to get something done - cook dinner or talk on the telephone -- but the kids keep demanding attention.

The children are tired, and so am I - after a long afternoon at the park, perhaps, or just before bedtime.

It was a relief to discover this pattern, because it meant my screaming wasn't simply a character flaw but a sign that our family's schedule was out of whack. "Work out routines that prevent predictable problems, and you'll have far less need for yelling," promises James Windell, a psychotherapist in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, and author of the forthcoming Children Who Say No When You Want Them to Say Yes.

See yourself as your child sees you

Does she shriek at her dolls, like mommy? Tape one of your outbursts (ask your husband to turn on the tape recorder when you're unaware); you'll be stunned at how strident you sound. Or ask your child to draw a picture of you yelling. I cringed when I saw the portrait my 5-year-old daughter produced: an enormous woman with scowling brows, bugged-out eyes, a huge black hole for a mouth, looming over three cowering children. But self-awareness is the first step toward self-control, Dr. Schaefer assures.

Play voice-softening mind games

Most effective for me is Big Mother Is Watching. When I'm headed toward a tailspin, I imagine there's a witness - my mother-in-law or minister, my child's teacher or future therapist. Then I try to deal with the problem in a way that the witness would respect. I stumbled on another mind game one day when I was hoarse. Although I was unable to shout my usual warnings, no one ran into the pond and drowned or even smacked his brother silly. Actually, the day was unusually calm. Now when I feel a fit coming on, I pretend I've got sudden-onset laryngitis.

Heed your storm-warning signals

A pounding head, tight chest, knotted stomach, clenched jaw - these may mean it's too late for mind games. "What's needed then is a time-out - for the parent, not the child," says Windell. I try to escape into my bedroom for 15 minutes of pillow-punching. But if that's not possible, a quickie break (60 seconds of deep breathing in the bathroom or a ten-time repetition of "This too shall pass") can help me stay calm.

Low-Volume, High-Fidelity Discipline

No matter how valiantly you struggle to stop screaming, you won't succeed unless you find other, more effective ways to communicate and discipline.

Be less patient

In an effort to be understanding, parents may let misbehavior continue far too long, says Adele Faber, cofounder of the Faber/Mazlish parenting workshops and coauthor of How to Talk So Kids Can Learn at Home and in School. "Darling, please don't draw on the wall - Really dear, crayon is tough to scrub off . . . Come on now, I'm getting annoyed . . ." Soon, says Faber, you're so frustrated you explode, "That's it! I have had it! I am taking those crayons away and that's the last time you'll ever see them." Defuse that time bomb by nipping problem behavior in the bud: "Hey, walls are not for drawing on."

Get close

No more yelling at kids from three rooms away. "Drop what you're doing and walk to wherever they are," Coloroso insists. "Proximity allows you to use eye contact and facial expression, not vocal cord strength, to get and hold your child's attention." Being the type-A type, I had trouble with this advice - it seemed needlessly time-consuming. So I pulled out a stopwatch, and guess what? It took 97 seconds less to walk upstairs and help my daughter locate her leotard than it did to stand by the front door and shriek, "Hurry up, we're late for ballet!" half a dozen times.

Speak firmly, not loudly

"It's fine to raise your voice a notch above your normal conversational level to give it that command quality," says Dr. Schaefer. "This lets children know when they've overstepped the boundaries of acceptable behavior." And be brief. "Don't use a paragraph when a sentence will do. Don't use a sentence when a word will do," says Faber.

Don't confuse commands with requests

"Would you like to set the table?" I asked my son. "No," he answered. "Well, do it anyway!" I snapped. Typical misconception, says Windell. "Phrasing a command as a request may seem polite, but it confuses the child who then thinks he has a choice in the matter. Instead, state commands with civility but without ambiguity." For the same reason, don't end a request with "okay?" if in fact the request is not optional.

Limit use of the word "now"

How often do you say "Wait a minute" when your children ask you to do something for them? But when a parent wants action, it's usually demanded now. "Ask yourself if the task really requires immediate attention. If not, set an acceptable deadline: "I need you to put away your schoolwork before dinner, so we can eat on the table," suggests Coloroso. Your child will cooperate more readily if she can finish her video game first, and you'll be less tempted to haul her over the coals for procrastinating.

Let actions speak louder than shouts

Yelling is often a form of nagging; the same message gets repeated again and again. "Yet if you state the rule only once and then follow through, you won't need to yell," Windell points out. Suppose your child is smacking the coffee table with his plastic sword. Calmly warn him, "Please stop, or I'll have to take that away." If he persists, confiscate the weapon. But avoid threats you'd be unwilling to make good on. Shouting "If you don't put your bike in the garage, I'm giving it to the Goodwill" either forces you to do something you'll regret or weakens your credibility when you back down. But suppose, in the heat of battle, you do issue a foolish threat? "Admit you made a mistake. Give yourself time to cool off and come up with something that makes sense," Coloroso advises.

Catch your child being good

We've all heard a hundred times how crucial it is to praise children when they're well behaved. But I took that message more to heart after taking my vow of silence. Commending my kids not only reinforces their good behavior, it also reminds me of how often they are good, which makes it easier to keep my temper. Not that I can say I never lose it anymore. Truth is, there are times I'm pushed too far past the boiling point to care about the new, nicer techniques I've learned. In the grip of that anger, I want to howl, and I don't care (at least at that moment) whom it hurts. But that's a rare event in our house these days. I feel the difference in myself - a greater sense of calm, competence, and contentment. And I see the difference in my kids. Take last week when my 3-year-old insisted on pouring his own milk, then spilled the whole jug on the floor. I took a deep breath - not a prelude to a hurricane-force howl, just a reminder to keep cool - handed him a sponge and matter-of-factly helped him wipe up the mess. When we were done, he put his arms around my neck and murmured, "Nice mommy, nice mommy." This time, I knew he meant it.