The honeymoon is over

Yeah, it was fun while it lasted. I knew it wouldn't take long for the mother-in-law to revert to her old self. We get to the house and manage to park right across the street. I look and she is right there! Oh my god! She is hovering, ready to jump on us. I'll steal a quote from a mom on the InLaws board: "She needs to start by not drooling over the baby and pretty much standing on me to get the baby out my hands the second she gets in the door." Of course, in our case, it's when we go over to her house. She is not going to be stepping in our house, if I can help it. She cannot respect me in my house, she is not welcome. Anyway, she doesn't even let us in the door. When she even spots us through her window, she swoops out like a vulture. Good description, huh?

I was seeing red though when she brought up when T broke his leg. She goes on to describe and show D's aunt how T broke his leg. Seriously, wtf? She was not there. The only person who possibly might have seen T fall and break his leg was my brother. She was nowhere f-ing near my son and she's going show someone how he broke his leg. I was too pissed off to correct her. I really should have. I keep going over it in my head. I should have said, "No, that's not right. Noone saw T fall. Noone knows how T broke his leg." But I was too pissed off to say anything because she brought up the bad memories I will forever associate with that day. She's damn lucky I still associate with her.

Then my further mistake during dinner was when Z was crying. I was going to walk with him. The mother-in-law said she would take him because I was still eating. I said no because it was only going to make him cry more. Which did happen. But I still let her take him out of my arms. Why did I do that? I had to clench my fists. I really didn't want D to say that I don't let his mother hold the baby. I didn't want to hear later on that she whined to D about me always not letting her take the baby. I will not let that happen again. Another quote that is apropos: "I hate the whole let-me-take-care-of-DS-so-you-can-have-your-hands-free-but-it's-really-all-about-me-having-alone-time-with-DS routine." It's like these ladies can read my mind. Gotta love 'em.

Obviously, there was other stuff. There is always other stuff. Nothing big, but annoying nonetheless. The woman cannot help herself. She is the self-proclaimed mother of the year. Somehow, she can do all, soothe all. Yeah, my son gets hurt and she's the one that he will want. Yeah, right. She does not have a clue. The kids were playing rough and L fell. Of course, I soothe him. He's crying in my arms and merely wants comfort. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the mother-in-law, a few feet away with coffee table between us, with her arms out like L was going to go to her for comfort. Are you serious?!?? She does it again with, I forget, L or T when they cry. Get a clue, lady! My children will NOT be going to you for comfort, not if I am already comforting them! If I wasn't, it would be a different story. If she was closest and they willingly went to her for comfort, okay. I wouldn't like it, but I will deal. My child's comfort comes first. But do you really think that my children will leave my arms, their mother's arms, to go to you!?? Obviously, she does. It's just stupid. But that's the nature of beast, isn't it? Each time, I wonder what stupid thing she will do next.

Pigs are flying

I swear somewhere out there pigs are flying. Really. The other day, we had dinner with the in-law. It was the mother-in-law's birthday. Since it was the big 6-0, we are "required" to do something special for her birthday. When D brings it up to her, she says 'no, no, no, it's not necessary.' Of course, a few days later, D tells me that we're having 2 tables. This is what D was planning to begin with, but whatever happened to 'oh, it's not necessary to do anything?' Anyway, it's not for me to say anything. And I told myself that I would bite my tongue and be nice. But then the day before the dinner, D tells me that his mother said she was making a dish for L. My jaw dropped. Excuse me? She's making a special dish for L? In the 3 years that we've known about L's allergies, she has never made a dish especially for L. She's never made anything specifically for my children. She's cooked because she's cooking for everyone. She might say, oh, T likes this dish or L likes this soup but it wouldn't be because she went out of her way to make it especially for them. So ergo, pigs must be flying somewhere. D even acknowledges this. Not the pigs, but the oddity of the action. Well, I thought perhaps she might have been just saying it and that when the time comes, she would have some sort of excuse and not have done anything. But then the day of, D confirms with his mother that she made something. So I thought wow. But nonetheless, I still brought food for L. Good thing. When at the restaurant, and it came time for L to eat, I brought out the container of food that mother-in-law made. L got very excited and said he wanted to eat it. He still seemed excited when I opened the container. By the time, I got a fork to scoop some of the green beans onto his plate, L changed his mind and didn't want it anymore. A span of seconds passed, so I have no idea what happened. I detected a weird odor to the dish, but I swear I did not convey it to L. I did not want to influence his thoughts. So good thing I brought the beef with peas and carrots because L devoured that. He did not touch the green beans that I put on his plate. I have to admit that made me smile internally.

But honestly, that night was actually pretty pleasant. The in-laws were very pleasant to me. Mother-in-law was courteous and didn't make her usual snide passive aggressive comments. Father-in-law kept on serving me. When they left, mother-in-law made a point to tell me that they were leaving. I think someone must have said something to them. Otherwise I cannot understand where this change of behavior has come from. Has someone shown them the light? what makes me believe this even more is that D tells me that his mother asked if we could take a family photo and others, so that she can enlarge them and hang them up. Someone must have noticed the fact that she does not have any pictures of us as a family. Nor does she have any pictures of her grandkids. I refuse to give her any pictures because lord knows what she does with them. There is no grandmotherly pride in her. There is one baby picture of T. And that's it. T is almost 6 years old. After giving her pictures and seeing that she does nothing with them but talk, I don't want to bother anymore. D just feels obligated to give her pictures. I secretly enjoy it when he forgets to give them to her. We'll see what happens on Sunday. Let's see if the pictures get taken. I hope they don't. Oh, let's see who's going to take the picture. And with whose camera? Will I be responsible for them? For developing the pictures and enlarging them? Um, I don't think so. Call me a snotty daughter-in-law, but I just don't think a zebra can change its stripes.

101 Ways to Praise a Child

This is just what I needed. A great followup to my post the other day. A perfect reminder of what I should be saying to my boys. I'm going to print this out and tape it around the house.

101 Ways to Praise a Child!

WOW • WAY TO GO • SUPER • YOU'RE SPECIAL • OUTSTANDING • EXCELLENT •
GREAT• GOOD • NEAT • WELL DONE • REMARKABLE • I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT • I'M PROUD OF YOU • FANTASTIC • SUPER STAR • NICE WORK • LOOKING GOOD • YOU'RE ON TOP OF IT • BEAUTIFUL • NOW YOU'RE FLYING • YOU'RE CATCHING ON • NOW YOU'VE GOT IT • YOU'RE INCREDIBLE • BRAVO • YOU'RE FANTASTIC • HURRAY FOR YOU • YOU'RE ON TARGET • YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY • HOW NICE • HOW SMART • GOOD JOB • THAT'S INCREDIBLE • HOT DOG • DYNAMITE • YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL • YOU'RE UNIQUE • NOTHING CAN STOP YOU NOW • GOOD FOR YOU • I LIKE YOU YOU'RE A WINNER • REMARKABLE JOB • BEAUTIFUL WORK • SPECTACULAR • YOU'RE SPECTACULAR • YOU'RE DARLING • YOU'RE PRECIOUS • GREAT DISCOVERY • YOU'VE DISCOVERED THE SECRET • YOU FIGURED IT OUT • FANTASTIC JOB • HIP, HIP, HURRAY • BINGO • MAGNIFICENT • MARVELOUS • TERRIFIC • YOU'RE IMPORTANT • PHENOMENAL • YOU'RE SENSATIONAL • SUPER WORK • CREATIVE JOB • SUPER JOB • FANTASTIC JOB • EXCEPTIONAL PERFORMANCE • YOU'RE A REAL TROOPER • YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE • YOU ARE EXCITING • YOU LEARNED IT RIGHT • WHAT AN IMAGINATION •WHAT A GOOD LISTENER • YOU ARE FUN • YOU'RE GROWING UP • YOU TRIED HARD • YOU CARE • BEAUTIFUL SHARING • OUTSTANDING PERFORMANCE • YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND • I TRUST YOU • YOU'RE IMPORTANT • YOU MEAN A LOT TO ME • YOU MAKE ME HAPPY • YOU BELONG • YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND • YOU MAKE ME LAUGH • YOU BRIGHTEN MY DAY • I RESPECT YOU • YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME • THAT'S CORRECT • YOU'RE A JOY • YOU'RE A TREASURE • YOU'RE WONDERFUL • YOU'RE PERFECT • AWESOME • A+ JOB • YOU'RE A-OK MY BUDDY • YOU MADE MY DAY • THAT'S THE BEST • A BIG HUG • A BIG KISS • SAY I LOVE YOU!

Amy Grant's Banana Bread

Yesterday while we were waiting for the sales guy at the VW dealership, I started browsing through the February issue of Good Housekeeping. I came across a recipe for Banana Bread. You know how much I love to collect recipes. And it just so happened that I bought a whole bunch of bananas on Friday. It was perfect. It was meant to be. The article said that it was Amy Grant's grandmother's recipe. It's really a Banana Nut Bread recipe but I left out the nuts. We don't have any nuts. We didn't miss it.

I made it last night. We had it this morning. Yummy! T did not want to try it. He wanted toast with butter. But Daddy made him try a little piece before he would make him toast. T loved it! Daddy loved it, too. He could still taste how good it was despite his lack of senses due to his cold. We will definitely be making this again! And I'll make L's version. He saw us raving about how good it was, so he wanted a piece, too. I felt so bad. I'll have to make him his gluten free, dairy free, egg free version sometime soon.

Well, here's the original recipe. It takes a long time to bake, but well worth the time.

Amy Grant's Grandma Grant's Banana Nut Bread

1 cup sugar
1/2 cup butter, softened
2 large eggs
3 bananas, sliced (2 cups)
2 cups flour
1/2 cup pecans, chopped
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt

Grease an 8 1/2 x 4 1/2 inch metal loaf pan.

Cream the sugar with the butter. Mix in the eggs, bananas, flour, pecans, baking soda, and the salt. Pour into the prepared pan. Place the loaf pan in a cold oven. Set the oven control to 300 degrees F. Bake the banana bread for 1 1/2 hours or until a wooden pick inserted into the center comes out clean. Cool the bread for 5 minutes on a wire rack. Then remove from the pan and cool completely, right side up.

I just read a wonderful article that I NEED very, very much. Hopefully, it'll help me be the mom I should be.

Stop Yelling

How I Stopped Yelling

by Tamara Eberlein

Hollering had practically become my normal speaking voice. I didn't like it, and my children were tuning me out. But, I found, there were lots of ways to get them to behave without it. When my twins were babies, I never yelled. Who could feel angry at tiny infants cooing in their cribs? But as they approached the terrible twos, my voice grew gradually louder. They'd make mischief; I'd say "No." They'd go right on misbehaving; I'd say "No" more vehemently. Then one day I caught them soaking huge wads of toilet paper in the toilet and flinging them against the wall. I lost it. Vocal cord volume at max, I bellowed, "Cut it out or I'll put you in the potty!" By the time my third child was born, the twins were 24 months, and just about every day included a self-bred tempest or two. Sometimes it was a matter of survival. I'd have the baby in my arms, a toddler clinging to my ankles, and another toddler running toward the road. What mother wouldn't shout? But more often it was my survival at stake: I'd be so stressed that a good scream seemed the safest way to vent steam. And, hey, sometimes it worked. Yet afterward I'd feel bad. Aren't there better ways to get kids to cooperate? I'd wonder. When a child acts childish, isn't it my job to act adultish? And, I realized, I was falling into the trap of congratulating myself for "merely screaming," as if refraining from physical abuse were anything more than the minimum standard for acceptable parenting.

But what really convinced me I needed to change was something that occurred when a friend and I were playground-bound. As Lisa was strapping her toddler twins into their car seats, her kindergartner started shoving his younger sister. Lisa admonished distractedly, "Conor, stop," but he kept right on. Gruffly I barked, "Quit it, Conor!" Whipping around, Lisa caught her son's shocked expression, then shot me a look of utter rage. I was mortified. With no conscious thought, I had yelled at someone else's child. That's how automatic my blistering responses to my own kids' wrongdoings had become. Resolving to reform, I read books, attended lectures, took part in parenting workshops, and interviewed child-rearing experts. And I learned a lot.

What's Wrong with It

For a start, it doesn't make kids behave. In fact, it often has the opposite effect. "Studies show that shouting excites youngsters," says pediatrician Nathan Blum, M.D., of the division of child development and rehabilitation at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, "so that they'll actually misbehave more." If you shout at a 3-year-old who's pummeling her brother, he explains, there's a chance yelling might make her more likely to continue hitting than if you had said nothing. "She's not being defiant; she's simply reacting in a physical way to an emotional stimulus." What's more, children begin to tune you out at lower decibels. They figure if mom means business, she'll holler - and if she doesn't, why bother listening? Worse, when kids aren't ignoring the tantrums, they're imitating them. "Yelling teaches kids that the appropriate way to communicate is to shout, and that the more a person wants her own way, the louder she should voice her demands," explains Barbara Coloroso, author of Kids Are Worth It! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline. One of the most disturbing things I learned was how damaging unbridled rage can be. "When you shout," says Coloroso, "no matter what you're saying, the underlying message is that you don't respect your child enough to speak respectfully. And that chips away at his self-esteem." Screaming also assaults a child's sense of security, says Charles E. Schaefer, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Fairleigh Dickinson University. "It's terrifying for a small child to see his parent, who is so comparatively huge and so essential to his well-being, getting wildly angry. The child fears that you are a step away from hitting him or even leaving him." I could hear that fear in the voice of my 3-year-old, who, after committing some transgression he knew might set me off, would clutch my legs and gasp "Nice mommy, nice mommy," as if by his protective mantra he could make me actually be a nice mommy instead of a screeching banshee.

Kick the Habit

You have to realize that it is a habit. And you have to find ways to short-circuit your anger before it gets out of control.

Identify your hot-temper zones

I kept a log, and within a few days the pattern was obvious. I'm most likely to go ballistic when:

Time is tight - the kids are dawdling and the school bus is due in three minutes, or we're stuck in the supermarket checkout and soccer practice has already started.

I'm trying to get something done - cook dinner or talk on the telephone -- but the kids keep demanding attention.

The children are tired, and so am I - after a long afternoon at the park, perhaps, or just before bedtime.

It was a relief to discover this pattern, because it meant my screaming wasn't simply a character flaw but a sign that our family's schedule was out of whack. "Work out routines that prevent predictable problems, and you'll have far less need for yelling," promises James Windell, a psychotherapist in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, and author of the forthcoming Children Who Say No When You Want Them to Say Yes.

See yourself as your child sees you

Does she shriek at her dolls, like mommy? Tape one of your outbursts (ask your husband to turn on the tape recorder when you're unaware); you'll be stunned at how strident you sound. Or ask your child to draw a picture of you yelling. I cringed when I saw the portrait my 5-year-old daughter produced: an enormous woman with scowling brows, bugged-out eyes, a huge black hole for a mouth, looming over three cowering children. But self-awareness is the first step toward self-control, Dr. Schaefer assures.

Play voice-softening mind games

Most effective for me is Big Mother Is Watching. When I'm headed toward a tailspin, I imagine there's a witness - my mother-in-law or minister, my child's teacher or future therapist. Then I try to deal with the problem in a way that the witness would respect. I stumbled on another mind game one day when I was hoarse. Although I was unable to shout my usual warnings, no one ran into the pond and drowned or even smacked his brother silly. Actually, the day was unusually calm. Now when I feel a fit coming on, I pretend I've got sudden-onset laryngitis.

Heed your storm-warning signals

A pounding head, tight chest, knotted stomach, clenched jaw - these may mean it's too late for mind games. "What's needed then is a time-out - for the parent, not the child," says Windell. I try to escape into my bedroom for 15 minutes of pillow-punching. But if that's not possible, a quickie break (60 seconds of deep breathing in the bathroom or a ten-time repetition of "This too shall pass") can help me stay calm.

Low-Volume, High-Fidelity Discipline

No matter how valiantly you struggle to stop screaming, you won't succeed unless you find other, more effective ways to communicate and discipline.

Be less patient

In an effort to be understanding, parents may let misbehavior continue far too long, says Adele Faber, cofounder of the Faber/Mazlish parenting workshops and coauthor of How to Talk So Kids Can Learn at Home and in School. "Darling, please don't draw on the wall - Really dear, crayon is tough to scrub off . . . Come on now, I'm getting annoyed . . ." Soon, says Faber, you're so frustrated you explode, "That's it! I have had it! I am taking those crayons away and that's the last time you'll ever see them." Defuse that time bomb by nipping problem behavior in the bud: "Hey, walls are not for drawing on."

Get close

No more yelling at kids from three rooms away. "Drop what you're doing and walk to wherever they are," Coloroso insists. "Proximity allows you to use eye contact and facial expression, not vocal cord strength, to get and hold your child's attention." Being the type-A type, I had trouble with this advice - it seemed needlessly time-consuming. So I pulled out a stopwatch, and guess what? It took 97 seconds less to walk upstairs and help my daughter locate her leotard than it did to stand by the front door and shriek, "Hurry up, we're late for ballet!" half a dozen times.

Speak firmly, not loudly

"It's fine to raise your voice a notch above your normal conversational level to give it that command quality," says Dr. Schaefer. "This lets children know when they've overstepped the boundaries of acceptable behavior." And be brief. "Don't use a paragraph when a sentence will do. Don't use a sentence when a word will do," says Faber.

Don't confuse commands with requests

"Would you like to set the table?" I asked my son. "No," he answered. "Well, do it anyway!" I snapped. Typical misconception, says Windell. "Phrasing a command as a request may seem polite, but it confuses the child who then thinks he has a choice in the matter. Instead, state commands with civility but without ambiguity." For the same reason, don't end a request with "okay?" if in fact the request is not optional.

Limit use of the word "now"

How often do you say "Wait a minute" when your children ask you to do something for them? But when a parent wants action, it's usually demanded now. "Ask yourself if the task really requires immediate attention. If not, set an acceptable deadline: "I need you to put away your schoolwork before dinner, so we can eat on the table," suggests Coloroso. Your child will cooperate more readily if she can finish her video game first, and you'll be less tempted to haul her over the coals for procrastinating.

Let actions speak louder than shouts

Yelling is often a form of nagging; the same message gets repeated again and again. "Yet if you state the rule only once and then follow through, you won't need to yell," Windell points out. Suppose your child is smacking the coffee table with his plastic sword. Calmly warn him, "Please stop, or I'll have to take that away." If he persists, confiscate the weapon. But avoid threats you'd be unwilling to make good on. Shouting "If you don't put your bike in the garage, I'm giving it to the Goodwill" either forces you to do something you'll regret or weakens your credibility when you back down. But suppose, in the heat of battle, you do issue a foolish threat? "Admit you made a mistake. Give yourself time to cool off and come up with something that makes sense," Coloroso advises.

Catch your child being good

We've all heard a hundred times how crucial it is to praise children when they're well behaved. But I took that message more to heart after taking my vow of silence. Commending my kids not only reinforces their good behavior, it also reminds me of how often they are good, which makes it easier to keep my temper. Not that I can say I never lose it anymore. Truth is, there are times I'm pushed too far past the boiling point to care about the new, nicer techniques I've learned. In the grip of that anger, I want to howl, and I don't care (at least at that moment) whom it hurts. But that's a rare event in our house these days. I feel the difference in myself - a greater sense of calm, competence, and contentment. And I see the difference in my kids. Take last week when my 3-year-old insisted on pouring his own milk, then spilled the whole jug on the floor. I took a deep breath - not a prelude to a hurricane-force howl, just a reminder to keep cool - handed him a sponge and matter-of-factly helped him wipe up the mess. When we were done, he put his arms around my neck and murmured, "Nice mommy, nice mommy." This time, I knew he meant it.

Swagbucks

I've recently found out something neat called Swagbucks. Swagbucks is a search engine that uses Google and Ask and randomly gives you "swagbucks" for searching. Swagbucks are cyber dollars you can easily earn and redeem for great rewards such as gift cards.

Here’s how it works:
Register with Swagbucks and whenever you perform a search, use the Swagbucks search engine and you’ll earn Swagbucks as you surf. The Swagbucks search engine is powered by Google and Ask, so you receive quality search results. You will not earn Swagbucks every time you perform a search. Swagbucks are awarded randomly, but I usually earn 3 to 5 a day just by searching as I normally would. I've already earned enough Swagbucks for a $5 Amazon e-Gift Card and on my way to a second one.

You can earn even more Swagbucks by doing your usual online shopping with stores who have partnered with Swagbucks (Avon, Shutterfly, Lillian Vernon, Macy's, Oriental Trading, just to name a few). Once you’ve earned enough Swagbucks, you can redeem them at the Swag Store for gift cards and other prizes.

Searching is not the only way to earn Swagbucks. If you refer your friends, you’ll earn Swagbucks. If you find a Swag code during a Swag Hunt, you’ll earn Swagbucks. (These codes expire quickly so once you find one, enter it right away.) If you email a photo of yourself and your Swag prize, you can earn a Swagbuck.

So swag away!

"Circular" saw

T walks up to me with one of his Home Depot tools and asks me what kind of saw it is. I read the label and tell him it is a 'circular' saw. Then T motions towards the table with next week's supermarket circulars and asks "Can I cut a circular?" Talk about taking things literally! Or is my boy a little too familiar with store circulars?!?